my phone needs a breathalizer
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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