go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
