I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
