woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
