you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
