Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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