Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
