How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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