Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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