my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
