That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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