I've blown a few things in my day
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
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Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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