You made me cry and you don't even care
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
