I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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