Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
