do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just cropdusted the office
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
