Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
