I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
