Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
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everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
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Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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