she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Operation Purity has been aborted
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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