There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
