Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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