now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
