Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
