i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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