new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
