i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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