Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
