The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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