Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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