Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
