I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
