dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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