Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My liver just broke up with me...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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