Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
