Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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