Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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