he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
