Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
