my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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