there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
its liver damage thursday
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
