i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
