Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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