I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
