I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
