Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
