I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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