Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
