I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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