apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
