You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
