i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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